Sunday, October 26, 2003

You might be a Republican if...

(anonymous words sent via email)

You believe that the unparalleled peace and economic prosperity during the Clinton administration was simply a case of being 'in the right place at the right time,' yet you believe that Ronald Reagan was single-handedly responsible for the collapse of the Soviet Union. You also blame the security failures of 9/11 on Clinton even though he had been out of office for nine months and Bush was just coming off a month-long vacation.

You believe that Fox News is a paragon of virtue and morality even though their sister network is responsible for 'Temptation Island,' 'Married with Children' and 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?'

You believe that Rush Limbaugh was a mere victim of prescription drug addiction even though his pills were purchased by the thousand in a Denny's parking lot, not in a pharmacy.

You believe that lying about a consensual sex act is more severe than lying about the reasons to send us to war.

You believe that a politician mentioning God in every speech makes him a good Christian. You believe that wearing an American flag lapel pin makes one patriotic.

You find nothing at all suspicious about most of Bush's cabinet being comprised of former oil company executives, and that they are pushing for an extended state of military occupation in the richest oil region on the planet. You have no problem with the fact that Enron was George W. Bush's number one corporate contributor in the 2000 campaign and think it's a high honor for a Chevron oil tanker ship to have formerly been named after Condoleezza Rice.

You're against Affirmative Action admissions policies at colleges, yet think it's all right that George W. Bush managed to attend Yale and Harvard with a C-minus grade point average.

You support the military, yet also support a president who went AWOL from the National Guard for a year during a time of war.

You think that criticism of the Bush administration's policies constitutes high treason and compromises our national security. If you live down south, you might even fly a flag that commemorates the greatest traitors in American history.

You think all drug addicts should be locked up in jail(except Limbaugh, of course), yet want to cut the taxes that pay for those jails.

You believe that Iraq was more connected to 9/11 than Saudi Arabia even though fifteen of the nineteen hijackers were citizens of Saudi Arabia and none were Iraqi.

You use a passage in Leviticus to justify your hatred and intolerance of gays, even though that same book of the Bible also condemns tattoos, earrings, short haircuts, worship on Sunday and handicapped people.

You think that abortion should be illegal, yet are also opposed to the distribution of condoms and other birth control. You think that premarital sex is a new phenomenon of the past twenty years and that the solution is to tell teenagers just not to do it.

You think G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North are fine, upstanding, law-abiding American heroes.

You are part of the twelve percent of Americans who will save more than $100 per year in federal taxes thanks to the 2003 Bush tax cut.

You don't believe in evolution because it is an unproven scientific theory, yet you believe in gravity.

You believe when George W. Bush wears a cowboy hat and drives around in a pickup truck that he has actually ever done a day of manual labor in his life. You also believe that when he dresses like a fighter pilot that he's a combat veteran.

You believe that the solution to the controversial 2000 election result is fully-automated computerized voting machines that leave no paper trail for a manual recount, and that these machines should be manufactured by a company that is a top Republican contributor.

You believe that we are winning the 'War on Drugs,' yet don't understand why drug lords and dealers are so filthy rich.

You're already collecting your Social Security and will be long dead before the Bush deficits destroy the program. Similarly, you will be long dead before global warming and pollution make it difficult to live a healthy life on Earth.

You believe that fetuses and brain-dead people in comas are entitled to affordable health care, but that it's a privilege for everyone else.

You believe that Wal-Mart is an 'all-American' company, even though their business model is based on destroying family-owned small businesses and just about everything they sell in their stores is imported.

You actually started calling them 'Freedom Fries.'

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E.P. Sunday, October 26, 2003